A Confession

I am scared. Scared that I may never bore a child of my own. 22 days from now is my birthday and 3 months from now is our 2nd year anniversary. Time really is going by so fast and I am still at the same low point in my life. Everyday I wake up trying not to think when am I going to be pregnant or would I ever be? Putting up a good smile over my face and an optimistic mindset. I am trying harder to be on a positive track and being thankful to the everyday blessings I received. To inundate myself over work and tune out anything about being pregnant. Being on a night shift gives me hell of negative insights, knowing that there would be less chances of conceiving. I envy those who are pregnant but then again sometimes I wish I didn't knew that they were. Though I am exultantly happy knowing they are bless with a child deep inside my hope seems to fade. I wish some intruders would shut up and mind their own life too. They are inflicting more pain they better just not ask at all.

Praying has been one of greatest strength over this battle but sometimes my faith weakens. Hesitations and doubts crosses my mind maybe it is one reason that I can't let it go and surrender it all to him truthfully. In my heart I hold and know that the LORD is the only one who can bless me with a child and medicines are just one instrument to fulfill this. How would I be able to strengthen my faith and surrender everything to HIM? Hubby and I often watch 700 club asia on TV and would pray with them. Seeing my husband crying while praying and hands place on the TV brought tears in my eyes. A knife pierce into my heart seeing him cry and how anxious he is longing to have a child. The fear of losing him is one reason that makes me debilitate. The mere thought of it makes me insane and I would die without him. Often times I would ask him what if I cant bore him a child what would you do? He said "Nothing is impossible with GOD on our side. We should have faith and believe that one day he will graciously hear our prayer." His unbreakable faith and sanguine characteristic has made me fell in love with him a billion times more everyday. Yet, no matter how he tries to put up this positive outlook I can still see the pain he carries inside. We rarely talk about this battle for we try not to pressure ourselves.

Of all the things I have ever face this is one of my hardest battle. The issue of infertility in this country is somewhat behind than other countries. Rarely that we know of people talking about this and some people are insensitive, careless when they know people are going through this. There are times when some of my acquaintance would ask me why am I not pregnant? Those are the inconsiderate people who would find gossips and interfere with my life. As is if I know them or they know me, were not even close but then they love to intrude in other peoples life.
Certainly this blog has been one great place of solace in my life. In times like this when my mind and heart is battered I could always count that I can let it all out. It gives me a sense of buoyancy when I let my emotions and thoughts go freely. But then again is this enough to strengthen me?

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Kelli said...

Totally understand...keep praying, keep believing!

Iam veRONIque said...

Thanks Kelli. Have a blessed days to come. :D

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