My PCOS Battle

How do you define real people?! Nowadays, we can hardly find real people. People who even if you are apart have the respect, humility and integrity even without eyes and ears circling around you. People who wouldn't laugh at your misfortunes, forgive you for your wrong actions and help you be a better person. We are at a time were we can't please everybody, it is a given fact, but why can't we try to heal those broken hearts and wounded feelings?!rather than prattle?! Humility is a word often used yet hardly understood, a sense of humbleness and modesty but never used. Why do you have to be cruel and insensitive?! why can't you forgive and forget?! No one's right or wrong as long as you learn to get along. Today, this is another is another lesson I have learned.

Last Jan. 7, 2010,was another journey of my friendship with pusa and bulaklak. It was a day that our friendship is bonded and strengthen by faith. It has not been that long that I have met or known them but the length of time doesn’t measure the essence of our friendship. We manage to laugh in simple and silly things, we get ourselves into conversation anywhere,anytime and even if people are just listening to our out of this world topic. We really enjoyed walking through mendiola 'till morayta even if they were laughing at me 'cause I might have an asthma attack and was so hungry :). But above all I realized how fortunate I am that I have them. These are the kind of people that you can trust and even if you may rarely have time to be together you are assured that the friendship is sealed with faith and trust.

Every woman dreams to be a mother one day. I, for one is eager and longing to be one. Yet, it seems that my time hasn't come yet. I am trying not to think of it nor even talk about it but my heart is killing me with pain, of longing, wanting and hoping that a life will blossom inside me. I don't know what to do anymore, I hide in the mask of pretense and smile with bitterness inside. Everyday as I sleep and woke up I would dream and it would just come out of my mind. Anything could happen as they say, I am still young but my heart is old enough to feel devastation and longing to have a child of my own. I am as writing this, is fighting the urged and the thought of having a child 'cause the more that I think about it, the heavier the burden in my heart!

Today, I am weak, I will mourn, I will cry the burden I carry is heavy.
It broke my spirits, it made me want to die!
My heart is pounding with worthless reason and a huge question why?!
This teary-eyes is smoking with pains that I can't deny.

Too many questions yet answers are few.
When all I wanted is to have you.
I look at those people who seems to be fine.
With the smiles they wore, I envy their pride.

A massive pain is slowly killing me inside.
There are a lot of thoughts to ponder and reasons to keep me alive!
But for this day I want to be weak, I want to cry and shout to the word.
Damn!!!!!!! WHY????!!!!!!!!!

"I would rather have regrets about not doing what people said, than regretting not doing what my heart led me to and wondering what life had been like if I'd just been myself."

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is REJECTION! We cannot deny the fact that all or most of us tend to try to please everyone we met in our life. The thought of rejection, unapproved relations, denial, an outcast and being

I saw here coming down the stairs while I on the other hand is eating burger and fries. She apprehended me how stubborn I am to eat fast foods when she already have reminded me to eat healthy foods to aid my fertilization. I am trying to eat healthy, think wisely, positively and desist away from stressful, negative thoughts. Hmmm.. It is easy said than done. I am thankful for her thoughtfulness and very caring actions towards my journey on longing to have a child of my own. She is doing her best to keep me more optimistic each day that soon I will have my own child. But its hard, it's getting harder each day. How could I live my life without a child? I couldn't! I am 27 they say I'm still young and there are a lot of time for us to try until it'll be given. Yet, you can't deny the fact that the more it hasn't been done, the longer the pain lingers. She is my conscience and I am thankful for her, for always being a good listener, a robust-optimistic thinker and indulgent friend.

My heart bleeds, it longs and ache for an angel to complete our life. I feel incomplete, erratic and feckless. Last night as I was surfing the net I came across a panel for woman who have underwent HSG a procedure to check if you have a blockage in your fallopian tube. A lot of them is trying and longing to have a child, some have went to a lot of procedure just to have one but with no success. As I go on reading I learned that if one has a blocked fallopian tube(a lot of medical terms and conditions may vary) most of them needed procedure to correct it, sadly some aren't that successful. This made me scared, depress, lonely and slowly losing hope. My husband kept me of the cliff of depression, giving me positive outlook in life. Still, my heart bleeds and cry for a child.

Mother, Mama, Mommy, Nanay, Momsy, Mudra- this is just few of the familiar words on how we call the woman who took the risk of her life to brought us up in this world. A woman who carried us 9 months on her womb, took a great risk of their life to deliver us in this world, wake up in the wee hours of the night to check and make sure we are well. There are a lot of words to define motherhood in every sense and words couldn’t fully unravel how unconditional their love for us. We may be stubborn, hard headed and sometimes we may have miss apprehensions on how they brought us up. Yet, they would never abandon us and will do unsurpassed things for our own sake. Their Love is remarkably unconditional in every sense of the word and in every uncertainties in this world they would be the only one who will always accept us, regardless and despite of. I saw her crying her heart out, on how twice she was left alone by the man she love. At the age of 27 she first became a widow-2 months after she gave birth to their only child and now again same date as her first husband she lost a man that she spent most of her life with, whom she build her family and who became my own father. My heart is broken and confounded seeing her cry, worrying over her being alone when I am far away from her. I don’t want to leave her, I want to always be with her, take care of her, assure her that she is not alone. Surely, people are right when they say you will realized how important a person is when they are gone. The father I knew growing up is gone, a man who would wake up early in the morning to cook us our food, who cooks my favorite Ilonggo dish adobong manok, the one who other people who would always run to when they needed someone who will lend them an open and understanding heart. When I went home, I felt that things are really incomplete and I was waiting for that someone to make our home complete. I walk down to the kitchen, dumbfounded, impaired and devastated realizing that he wasn’t there anymore.

I miss you and I may not have shown you more than what I should on how imperative you have been in my life but I do. You made me feel that I am your own daughter, your flesh and blood. The love and understanding you have shown me, my siblings and Ma is incomparable. My heart bleeds and tears in my eyes flows endlessly. Losing you and seeing Ma with this unbearable pain wants me to stay home and take care of her and my siblings. I worry about her so much, leaving her alone with the responsibility of being the mother and father at the same time . On how I know that she is agitated most of the time. Now, I wake up and sleep thinking how she is and profoundly deem how could I take all the pain she feels. Make her feel calm, assured and that euphoria will overwhelmed her life again. How I yearn to be in two places at the same time. I may not told you how much I Love you but MA I intensely Do and I don’t want to see you like this, being hurt and alone. If I could only take the pain you feel. I want to pledge my undying devotion and love and that I will never leave you. Please be strong for me and my sisters, we will always be here and we will take care of you. Tito, please guide us and help Ma cope up losing you. I may not have say this nor show you how much I care and how important you are but I want to tell you that I Love you like my own father. Thank you for always being there for me, showering me with love and understanding, for loving MA, taking care of us and for the adobo. I Love you Tito, I love you PA and I wish I had called you Pa. I cry my heart out tonight losing you. And I know you see and read this, I hope somehow I made you feel this love I have for you. Now, when I go home I know it is no longer complete and each time I see home I would look for you and I look forward to see the things that will remind me of you. Help us to be strong for the three of us to move on knowing you are always here beside us. Good bye is not forever ‘coz I know you will always be here in our hearts.