My PCOS Battle

I am a failure! I failed again for the nth time. I had my period this morning my husband and I cried! I hate myself seing him go through this pain. Seems like I am out of words for the pain succumbs me like in down deep in the earth. DAMN!!!

I miss you both so badly and dreadfully. If I could turn back time I would because up to now I can't move on  and accept that you are gone. Grandpa,, I miss the sound of your voice, sleeping beside you for 16 years, sharing our interest and beliefs. I miss hearing our unique mores code, our cats and dogs but most of all I miss your LOVE badly. No one has ever love me the way both of you did. Most of the time I would try to steer clear of or obliterate you in my mind because every time that I remember you I can't bear the pain I felt inside. Grandma, thank you for the patience, love and understanding.   For always being there for grandpa and I even if we were a burden for you.
This is the first time again that I have seen your pictures for 10 years and it brings back the happiness and pain. I am so fortunate that I grew up with you, you have sacrifice a lot for me and have shown me unconditional love. With you I have always felt that I belong to a family and for such a long time  after you were gone I felt so abandoned and forgotten. But I have never failed to pray for you every day of my life because I wouldn't be able to reach what I have right now if it weren't for your sacrifices and love. No one did understand what I went through, not one had lend a hand for me to hold on to. Most of all, people around me criticized and judge me for things I didn't do.  I kept my pain in silence knowing that would make you proud of me being mature and smarter. I know that ONLY both of you understands me and had love me incomparably. You both know how I did my best to comprehend things that seems too hard to understand, had selflessly gave everything just not to be like those people who have hurt me and most of all keep my silent for peace and unity.  I miss the chair you lay in Lolo,  miss hearing bombo radio whole day, I miss the bed and the room I slept in half of my life.  I should have listen more to your stories and eagerly grasp your elaboration of details about our family tree. People who knew both of you I know wouldn’t fail to remember your kindness and the marks you leave in their lives.  The way you teach me the strategy in playing mahjong, buying our favorite foods and drinks, I just miss being LOVED again the way we were before. Tears keep falling in my eyes as  for the longest time that I kept this pain in my life. How could I move on? I always try or maybe pretended that I have but deep into my inner thoughts and feelings I couldn't. Why did you leave me behind?! Why didn't you gave me a chance to show and repay all your sacrifices?! I miss you undeniably and enormously, no man could ever empathize what anguish I have felt and  couldn’t ever take away this pain in my life.

Suddenly the world seems lonely and pain shadows every smile.
I heard a devastating news today a friend has lost his life.
He was young, enthusiastic and full of pride.
Where did his smile went?It has brought tears in our eyes.

           It is better to lose someone over distance and time than losing them with death for a lifetime. The hardest and most painful tragedy a person can face is losing a love one by death. Indeed, our life is just borrowed but wouldn't it be nice to live that life growing old and when you can say I have enjoyed living my life.? When you have died not by the hands of irresponsible and shameful individual.?  I have only met monching way back my college life I think he was then just a teenage boy who enjoys his life. Often times I would hear his sweet laughter and  silly jokes; those innocent act with so much pride. Looking back at those times I suddenly  felt crying. We shared little time together yet I have felt this excruciating pain when I heard he died. Maybe because he has made a  great impact and leaved a remarkable mark in my life.

          The compunction of losing a love one is immeasurable. Though time can somehow mend those broken hearts their memories lingers forever within you. I know 'cause losing two most important people in my life still brought infinite grieve to me. How can we measure their true essence of living? Guess, it is when even by death those that remain living will forever remember all the good and kind things they have done. That amidst time their memories lives in every breath we take and the beating of our hearts. I can only offer sincere prayer to my departed friend. A prayer that will lead him to his peaceful solemn solace and justice may be served. Farewell dear friend your memory will always remain.

     We live in an imperfect world, a world were people have different opinions, beliefs and interest. In those differences we have choices, to either be fair and just or be vicious and noxious. Adverse notions can be reasons for misconstrue yet it should never be a reason for unjust and amiss behavior. The person you portray in front of each different individuals reflects the true colors of your heart. One should always try to comprehend the situation before jumping abruptly into any conclusion. Regardless of  the difference between two individuals when both bequeath each other the benefit of the doubt, they can coincide in one amicable living. A person with a conscience always thinks between being just or fair in spite of the antithesis in between. Deflect vengeance and thinking ill about other people. Remain open minded and fair, learn to adjust and thrive to live in a peaceful co existence. After all those difference would be one reason for RESPECT to flourish. Elude those assumption of power tripping or pride elevating. As long as the other person does nothing to harm you; in return is the same righteous act will be given to you.

Respect is being earned not because you are just friend but it is well  define when your not-so-called friend still gives that respect despite those differences.

I am scared. Scared that I may never bore a child of my own. 22 days from now is my birthday and 3 months from now is our 2nd year anniversary. Time really is going by so fast and I am still at the same low point in my life. Everyday I wake up trying not to think when am I going to be pregnant or would I ever be? Putting up a good smile over my face and an optimistic mindset. I am trying harder to be on a positive track and being thankful to the everyday blessings I received. To inundate myself over work and tune out anything about being pregnant. Being on a night shift gives me hell of negative insights, knowing that there would be less chances of conceiving. I envy those who are pregnant but then again sometimes I wish I didn't knew that they were. Though I am exultantly happy knowing they are bless with a child deep inside my hope seems to fade. I wish some intruders would shut up and mind their own life too. They are inflicting more pain they better just not ask at all.

Praying has been one of greatest strength over this battle but sometimes my faith weakens. Hesitations and doubts crosses my mind maybe it is one reason that I can't let it go and surrender it all to him truthfully. In my heart I hold and know that the LORD is the only one who can bless me with a child and medicines are just one instrument to fulfill this. How would I be able to strengthen my faith and surrender everything to HIM? Hubby and I often watch 700 club asia on TV and would pray with them. Seeing my husband crying while praying and hands place on the TV brought tears in my eyes. A knife pierce into my heart seeing him cry and how anxious he is longing to have a child. The fear of losing him is one reason that makes me debilitate. The mere thought of it makes me insane and I would die without him. Often times I would ask him what if I cant bore him a child what would you do? He said "Nothing is impossible with GOD on our side. We should have faith and believe that one day he will graciously hear our prayer." His unbreakable faith and sanguine characteristic has made me fell in love with him a billion times more everyday. Yet, no matter how he tries to put up this positive outlook I can still see the pain he carries inside. We rarely talk about this battle for we try not to pressure ourselves.

Of all the things I have ever face this is one of my hardest battle. The issue of infertility in this country is somewhat behind than other countries. Rarely that we know of people talking about this and some people are insensitive, careless when they know people are going through this. There are times when some of my acquaintance would ask me why am I not pregnant? Those are the inconsiderate people who would find gossips and interfere with my life. As is if I know them or they know me, were not even close but then they love to intrude in other peoples life.
Certainly this blog has been one great place of solace in my life. In times like this when my mind and heart is battered I could always count that I can let it all out. It gives me a sense of buoyancy when I let my emotions and thoughts go freely. But then again is this enough to strengthen me?

I envy those people I know whose pregnant with their child. I admit I am, but I mean no harm to anyone. It's just that my ardent wish is to have my own child. I am awake at 1 am while my DH is already asleep. I read some of my new friends blogs and found out that some of time successfully is now pregnant. Indeed, I am happy knowing that such joy will be a great blessing to their family. But somehow I feel down again, envy and full of questions. A month from now I am turning 28 and days are flying so fast. Day 4 of my period and has a toot ache and needed to be extracted. I will be on a night shift the next month too and I know the stress would be a hindrance for me to ovulate too. I didn't ho back to my RE this month and somehow hoping that this green barley herbal medicine would help me ovulate somehow.

I am getting tired of going back and forth to my RE and hope again somehow knowing that I will fail again; I think I gained a negative mentality. PCOS here in the Philippines seems harder to deal with, unlike other countries they have new, effective and many solutions to help those who wants to conceived. I am feeling so naive and lost in this battle again. Trying to tell myself to let all the bitterness and negativity go. Easier said than done. I have to sleep though there are many things I wanted to say, I choose to stop 'cause my mind and heart are tired of this. I want to somehow let it go, sleep it over and maybe tomorrow I may find the courage again to be optimistic. I am sorry if I may offended somebody, I didn't mean to me. Please don't get me wrong.

I was checking my facebook account and came across to one of my friends post, which she exultantly announced her pregnancy. Then it struck me again, a sharp pain and sadness in my heart. Seems like most of my friends nowadays are happily becoming pregnant while I am trying for quite sometime but failed to do so. Last month was a month full of psychological exhaustion and I was beat down. I took some ovamit pills and had an transvaginal ultrasound for follicle monitoring but AGAIN it failed, I failed, seems like I always do. Where do I go? working in a hospital makes me encounter pregnant woman and their children, which makes the whole in my heart bigger, deeper and painful. People keep telling me not to stress my self thinking about my hearts wish to have my own child; and yes I am trying to do. This blog is my niche, this is were I can shout, scream, cry and laugh; I can say whatever I want, whenever and no matter what. Regardless of how I am doing my best not to pressure my self and not allowing sadness take control of my life, I am still dying inside.

Often times we humans tend to be more emotional and deeply engrossed when sadness or adversity take a ride in our life. All the questions and confusions that surround us are like hurricanes that strongly sweeps away all our optimistic character and we become vulnerable. Where do life take me when all I want is to have a child?! will it happen or will I hope for nothing? Suddenly the world seems too dark, seemingly I hear no melody in my life, quietly I want to scream and shout?! Do I make sense?! Does anyone hear my cry? Does anyone know how I can heal this wound inside? WHEN CAN I HAVE and HOLD you in my life?! Someone please help me be strong and optimistic as I fought this battle in my life.