My PCOS Battle

Today, I received God's message on my facebook " that faith is exactly what it takes to get through uncertainty." This would be my second time of following the post " What God wants you to know today" in my facebook and I believed that he is really giving me answers iny my uncertainties. Maybe all I need right now is to let go and let HIM do his will. I will try to follow my RE's instruction and pray everyday. Try to avoid questions and negativity why haven't I received my hearts desire.

Some say in life there are two kinds of people existing, one a pessimist and the other is the optimist. One can never say that they are purely an optimist, that would be pure hypocrisy. Why do I say so?because most of the time we tend to see all the negative in this world.When people are hurt and in pain what we acknowledge are the difficulties we faces in every downfall we made. Instead of thinking the opportunity of understanding and learning the purpose of each journey we face, we submerge on self pettiness and pain. We are only human, we feel pain and frustrations though as much as we wanted to stay on the top and be strong, we sometimes fall. Falling doesn't mean the end of the road, I believed this would be a time to mourn, grieve, let go, acknowledge the emotions you feel and a time to meditate, think, rest and regain strength to stand again. Then its time to take a step, to embossed, to move forward, and faced this difficulty as an opportunity to imbibe lessons that are valuable. So, I believe one can never be an optimist without going through being a pessimist.

Damn the PT test!!! and I feel so stupid again!!!It's negative!!! I should have not done it!!!I haven't told my husband yet and I have no plan to do so. I'll just make him believe that I'm just delayed like the other past months and his used to it. I don't want to hurt him by telling him this. I'll have to really see my RE this friday. It also sucks that my RE only have monday and friday clinic days. She is a well known to be very credible yet I feel so useless and stupid!!

I should have not took that f*** test!!! I wasn't able to sleep earlier because of this I was crying while praying too. I' am feeling so down now though I am trying to be more optimistic about this but I can't deny the fact that it really hurts. I don't want to hope anymore and as much as I wanted to ignore it and pretend that I am not hoping for it I am not a hypocrite too. Everyday I am living my life trying to pretend that I am OK and I am strong yet nobody see's in me how I am slowly melting down inside. I have been fighting the urged not to take the test for I know it will just be negative yet I still did it. And look what it did to me?!!! I couldnt fathom the emotions I have right now but I know I need to be strong, I have to be strong! I miss my friends I really miss them! How I wish they are here beside me, comforting me or just be the friends that they are to me and I know this pain would be lessen.

Monday, August 31, 2009 at 9:01pm
Life is full of unexpected circumstances, we often get mad and frustrated when things are not happening the way we want it to be; guess people really cant be satisfied. Every day we go through different phases in our life but at the end of the day do we get satisfied? I don't wanna be a hypocrite but there are times that I don't, yet at the end of the day the most compelling things I realized is that I get to satisfy my inner thoughts and learned lessons that I get to used in my lifetime. Like I learned that we should never make decisions nor utter ill unkindly words when we are mad. Because at the end of the day those unkind words can never be taken back and we only get to understand it when we already see that we already hurt the people we love. It may only be words but I believed it is the most lethal weapon that could make or break one's soul. And making decision out of madness and frustration is never a good decision. Why? 'coz we tend to lost our sense of sensibility and focus. Instead of trying to go through the details of the situation and taking time to analyze everything we get to rush and submerged to the circus of emotions. Thus, decision making is haphazardly done and results are more complicated.

Another thing I realized that to be able to have a harmonious living with one another, we should try to be more understanding in all aspects of life. It is not a lost if one would humbles themselves above others for everyone's peace and unity. Rather than be succumb in pride and selfishness, why not give way, forgive and forget?! I would rather have integrity than to show off and just because we need to fit in with everyone else way of life. No one's perfect but in imperfection we learn and as we learn we get better.

So, guess what I am saying why argue, gossip and insult when you could talk, forgive, forget and move on. With this: life is better, life is beautiful and every one is at peace.

Silence is the night when no one seems to bother you.
If you look up in the sky, the moon shines through.
Your thoughts flows in the river of gold.
Lurking in your mind what the hell should I do?

Confusion slowly arises.
Questions are flowing.
Numbness are felt.
Am I alone or lonely?
Should I fret in defeat?

The air brushes my hair and coldness made me shiver.
Then a hand gives me comfort in my cold shoulders.
I turn my back and see.
Your warmth eyes that can see through me.

Confusions slowly fades.
Questions found answers.
I am no longer alone.
And I could never be defeated.

Now the silence of the night sings to me.
As you hold my hands..my thoughts run free.
Free to love and to hear that in silence we will see
that love can be understood even without a voice
it will sing amazingly.

Friday, September 4, 2009 at 8:13pm
For a friend who celebrates her glorious day a Happy Birthday to you It seems like it was just all like yesterday; when we were naive and innocence embodied us. I can still smel thel lomi at the irish and all were sharing our centavos left in our pocket. People are hearing all the loud and cheerful laughter's coming from the second floor of that mini grocery/resto. After the 5 pm mind bugging mathematics class of Ma'am Lavilla we can't hardly wait to go home. I miss walking from school to our houses enjoying more time to talk and laugh on the way home. Fiestas came and seems like we were all present even in the brgy. fiesta's hahaha. Majong and rading oyo and edi's house are one hobbies that can never taken from us it's like it sticks to our souls hahaha. Dancing oh I love dancing of course I know that you are one heck a damn gracious and glamorous dancer but pupay, me, vip, and even edi made us champions on our senior year right? hehe. Edi?!!!of course why not..hehe

The famous Guimaras was a witness to our biggest and happiest bonding's especially when all were drunk. Those were the times when you stumble and fell on the stairs of the rest house but you pick up yourself still with a groaning with ouch but with a smile hahaha. One event of the town fiesta was the same day of your birthday and you have a dance number to perform and all of us were shouting with awe and amazement supporting the best dancer for us. And I could still remember as well when UHMMM courted you and you went to the church to attend the simbang gabi or I think the afternoon mass?hahaha and don't deny it you had a crush on him. Uhmm not to mention the "tokayo" of that guy was also I think courting you hahaha and was also my cousin hahaha. Those were the days that palph, narlito, iko and panoy has a big crush on you hahaha (haba ng hair mo).

Lola pat's boarding house was lucky???hahaha to have such very obedient and nice boarders like us wahhh asus daw piho and those times when you had decided to have a drink alone at the roof top hahaha. When you keep on going back in forth to joanne and mines room waking us up with a loud bang and pulling our mosquito net till it break and enjoy waking us up even if we still wanted to sleep(pakialamera hehe). Haaaayyyy this are only the few of the millions of things that I could share having you in my life but time and space here are not enough to do so. This are the most happiest day of our life too. SO, in this special day of yours, despite time and distance I want you to know that you are always being remember and I am grateful that I have given a great gift of time to share those good and loving memories we have. I wish you all the best in all the endeavors you take and I know that you will never forget us; as we could never forget OUR MIKAY! happy birthday Girl..I miss and love you with all my heart. God Bless.

Tuesday, September 8, 2009 at 4:00am
Dear Queen Mother of Heaven and Earth, we thank you for all the understanding and kindness you have undeniably given us. Despite all the pains and sadness we may have caused your good heart, you never still depart from us. When we are down and in trial you have given us courage and strength to stand up and face it all. You have never abandoned us in all the endeavors that we face in this life and though sometimes we may have forgotten you; YOU have never forgotten US.

Mother, you love us all equally and unconditionally though we may have hurt you and your son. We have questioned YOU and your Beloved Son on the circumstances that we have faced and didn't understood, yet you have always been there to defend us. I could never forget a story about your teachings on praying the rosary; that each beads we prayed for, is equivalent to saving another soul. Oh Dear Mother I may have not really understood everything you have teach but I believe that in each prayer you humbly ask your beloved son to forgive a soul and help them enter the heavenly kingdom. You have taught us to pray with all our hearts and even if your in heaven you find ways to reach out to us, never leaving our side. Nothing is impossible with You and your beloved son; in every heartfelt prayer is a grace of answer.

With all the riches and happiness this world could gave us, it will never be greater than the LOVE you have amazingly showered us. On your Birthday Dear Mother I humbly ask for your forgiveness in all the tears that I have caused your eyes and the pain I have left in your heart. Heavenly Mother, each day I will try to be a good daughter to you; to follow your teachings and prayers, to help people forget hatred and learn to love, and to spread the good words in this world. Happy Birthday MAMA MARY. Please enlighten and Guide us all always.

In Jesus Name.

Amen..

Maybe this pain will subside.
Frustrations and impatience collides.
My world no longer have a light.
Darkness seems to huddle in my sight.

Maybe the word would understand.
The pressure they bring makes me sad.
I am not that strong nor lame.
What I just want is my own space.

Maybe if you could put your self on my shoes.
I'm quite sure it will reveal.
That what you did is mean and cruel.

Maybe if you could just mind.
Mind your own business for while!
Rather than mess my own life.
Damn get a piece of your own F**** line!

Maybe then I could be free.
From the eyes of the monster who looks into me.
Then maybe,just maybe I could lure.
Lure into my own comfort world.

Maybe then in my world no one will say.
"Why haven't you got one?"
Instead they will utter; "it will come on your way".

Maybe tomorrow will bring me a smile and heal my aching heart.